Ten foot above the ground, a single glistening thread of spider silk streaks like a photon from one tree to another thirty feet away. The thread is an anchor line for a web built in an ornamental tree that is an island in a sea of grass. Why the spider chose this tree is known only to the spider. Perhaps the spider knew that it was out of the way of clumsy heads or hands of those animals that have six legs too few and live in square boxes. The web is remarkable not only its beauty but also the effort of its construction for a spider no more than half an inch in length. To set up its anchor line the spider climbed ten feet down one tree, walked 30 feet to another, and climbed another 10 feet up. All at the same time dragging a thread behind it that miraculously didn’t stick to the grass that it walked across. I can’t even tear off a piece of duct tape without it sticking to itself the first time. And that’s not the limit of my ineptitude as a spider . To accomplish the spider’s feat I would have to bungee jump out of the top of a sequoia tree, walk almost a mile to the next tree, all the while, not to be too obscene, ejecting a continuous line of ½ inch cable from my rear-end, which I’m sure would worry the neighbors nervous, then climb back up another sequoia. I just don’t have that kind of stamina or determination.
I bought my wife a hammock, which requires its own special determination and stamina (in there is a joke about the special determination and stamina needed to co-exist with a significant other, but my better angels are shouting me down). My in-laws visited this past weekend and when I got home from work I saw my father-in-law*, who is not a spider, attaching the hammock to a pair of white oaks. Unfortunately, the white oaks did not anticipate our hammock needs when they were acorns and grew too close together. When I lay in the hammock I was immediately shaped like a V with my knees closer to my forehead than I am normally comfortable with. A slight shift in the hammock sent my legs twisting to the left and my torso to the right. At least my knee-forehead distance had increased. I looked like a picture of a cat that has just been dropped upside and is contorting its body to put itself right-side up to prove that cats always land on their feet. My feet and head weren’t sure which one was going to take the landing when I got out of the hammock. We contemplated another set of trees but they were too far apart. After some time and more holes in trees, we found the right combination of trees and level of contortion comfort.
I imagine the spider watched as with some irritation as we discussed and debated how to hang a hammock, something that we didn’t even build ourselves. Likely, it rolled all eight of its eyes as it busily spun a beetle in a body bag of silk.
*Here it is best that I note that I was worthless in the hanging of the hammock other than testing the quality of its hanging and pointing out that a spider did it better and then blogging about it. The hammock is now in a perfect spot, no thanks to me. Some father-in-law’s have all the luck.